Anger - Virtue or Vice

One emotion we were probably never taught to understand or deal with is anger. Because we're not sure how to deal with it, it can very often paralyze our development. It can control us, fill us with anxiety and unhealthy guilt. So we may tend to view it in a negative way and try to block it out. As long as we do this, we remain emotionally immature. We are never going to be fully human until we are able to deal with anger.

Anger is absolutely necessary for maturity and healthy human relationships. It is basically a good emotion, and should be seen as a virtue, if we express and deal with it appropriately.

Anger is very often the underlying cause of many emotional, mental, physical and relational problems, because it's not properly understood and used. Frequently, we don't recognize it and it goes unexamined. It is an unresolved issue in every family relationship where there are problems. It appears even in our relationship with God.

Here are some examples of unhealthy forms of anger. One is the mass murderer, who fatally shot 22 people at a McDonald's restaurant. He was a tremendously angry person. There's Joel, with his anxieties and chest pains, who is very angry at his wife and his boss, but doesn't know what to do with that anger, and keeps it hidden, all the while being irritable with the people in his life.

It's important that we develop a positive attitude toward anger, and above all, that we recognize and admit our anger. If we recognize it, we can also possibly recognize the anger that is in others. If we accept our anger along with our other emotions, we shall see our anger as another aspect of our humanness. We should feel our anger, deal with it, reveal it. We should be aware of it, comfortable with it, and allow it. We should ask, "What am I angry about? With whom am I angry?" We should be able to distinguish reasonable from unreasonable anger. Finally, we should reveal it appropriately; express it at the proper time, in the proper place, in an appropriate manner. We must take responsibility for the fact that we are angry and for the consequences of our anger, we must own our anger.

It's interesting how the Scriptures deal with the concept of anger. In the Bible, God is often described as "angry." If we read the psalms, which are examples of therapeutic prayer, of really letting out one's feelings, the psalmist prays from his heart, and we find plenty of anger. Psalm 38: "O Lord, in your anger punish me not." Psalm 90: "We are burnt up by your anger and terrified by your fury." In the book of Numbers God is described on many occasions as being "angry with the Chosen People" because of their sins and unfaithfulness.

Jesus was angry at times with the scribes and Pharisees and his own disciples and expressed his anger. He attacked the scribes and Pharisees, "Woe, to you, you frauds." He didn't mince any words with Peter, "Get behind me, Satan." We might feel uneasy with an angry Jesus, but he was human and a part of being human is coming to grips with our anger.

When is anger wrong, destructive, immature? When we talk about problematic anger, we are not talking about appropriate anger, which is healthy but about the two extremes which involve either overreacting or underreaction, either of which is inappropriate.

When we underreact, we repress or suppress our anger, quite unconsciously. To repress our anger is one of the most dangerous things we can do. First of all, we are not being honest with ourselves, nor with the people with whom we are dealing. Or we suppress our anger--we are conscious of it but we choose to deny it, not let it surface. Again, we are dishonest. This repressing and suppressing of angry feelings is the thread that is woven through many emotional, mental, spiritual and relational problems.

When we overreact, our anger is out of control, and may be expressed in rage which can lead to violence. One finds this overreaction in a person who is always angry or agitated. We fear anger and because of that, we suppress it. We fear overreacting because then our anger will control us.

We feel guilty about either form of inappropriate anger, which is unhealthy. We are not in control of our lives as long as our anger is not perceived for what it is. We can have overreactive feelings to the point of feeling even murderous, but that is not wrong. Our behavior is what is wrong, not our feelings.

If hidden anger is not dealt with, it will reappear in some other form. It often appears as psychological, physical, or even spiritual problems. It's like a law of physics: if we push something down, it's going to come up in some other form or place.

Not dealing with anger can lead to violence and outbursts of rage. Many criminals are really angry people, angry about things that happened to them, perhaps in their childhood. Now they're taking it out on society. They never resolved their anger and, indeed, they are people who won't even admit that they are angry. Seeing their anger may lead us to confuse it with violence but they are not synonymous. Violence is anger out of control.

It's important to recognize the difference between the "state" of anger and being "an angry person." It's all right to be angry and then to let go of it. But we don't want to be in a state of anger in which we're recognized as permanently angry persons. A constantly angry person is controlled by many unresolved conflicts.

If we do not deal with the anger we feel, resentment, bitterness, and hostility may permeate our relationships. We may also express our anger by silence or coldness. That's one of the cruelest ways of "getting back at" someone.

The amount of agony that occurs in people's lives because anger is not recognized and appropriately dealt with is beyond our comprehension, yet anger is absolutely necessary for mature human relationships! The more intimate I am with you, the more necessary it is for us to be open with each other. This will sometimes mean showing our anger with each other. We are afraid of doing this because we might hurt one another. But if we are to be honest with each other, we are going to hurt each other. This is axiomatic in healthy relationships.

There's a distinction, though, between inappropriate and appropriate honesty. We can express our anger in an unnecessarily hurtful way, but we can also express it gently. This, maybe still hurts the other person, but that's acceptable because we've expressed our anger in a healthy, non-insulting way.

When we reveal our anger to another, a conflict is often resolved. There may be no immediate solution but, in the revelation, a solution can take place. There's a clarification of positions; a message gets through.

When we show our anger to others, we should sensitize ourselves to them. We should realize what the other person does or doesn't like, what hurts him or her. When you express anger, I have to examine my own behavior, my words and actions. I also know that when you get angry with me, you care. When I don't want to show my anger, I may be saying, "I don't care about you." We need to say we feel angry. Resolving differences may entail compromise; it is within the context of our differences that we develop our relationships.

Anger is a power for good or evil. It can be channeled and used not only for our personal well-being but also for the healthier functioning of relationships. We should be aware of and in touch with our anger, being comfortable with it without fear or guilt. Even if we feel rage, to the point of wanting to tear someone apart, these are only feelings. We have to be comfortable with uncomfortableness. We must allow ourselves to be angry with God, our church, our families. Permit that anger to be there. We should learn to deal with the anger within us. We must give ourselves time to reason and reflect; if we understand it, we can sift out the reasonable from the unreasonable. We learn the difference between reaction and overreaction. We put our anger into perspective. We might have to talk about it with a friend and perhaps overreact with that person. We may need to sleep on it, so that the next morning the anger will be more appropriate. Then we can go and talk to the person who made us angry.

It's important not to compound feelings of anger with guilt because then we may suppress our anger and make the situation worse. We can without guilt be angry at the people we love. We all need to deal with this ambivalence. But we must learn to do this in loving relationships if we expect them to be mature.

When I'm in control, I'm able to reveal my anger, to express it in the proper way. The person I'm angry at may not accept my approach. But my purpose is not to change the other person. It's to let him or her know where I am, and how I feel. What the other does is his or her choice.

We all overreact and when we do, we should apologize for overreacting, but not for being angry. There was a reason for our anger. Apologize for the overreaction, not for the anger. What a beautiful example we give. We expect people will be hurt when we show appropriate anger. It's normal. We may feel bad, but we should not feel guilty.

Appropriate anger--we must allow ourselves to feel it, deal with it, and be able to reveal it. That is what it means to take responsibility for our lives. And this is what emotional maturity is all about. And this is why anger is a virtue! Anger is truly an important aspect of our lives. How we use it has a great deal to say about what we are going to become. It helps us to be honest, to be genuine, to live a healthy and vibrant life, to trust, to love.

Acknowledgment

Reprinted, with permission, from Healing Wounded Emotions, Overcoming Life's Hurts, 1987, by Martin Pado-vani. (Twelfth printing, 1995, paper, $6.95.) Published by Twenty-Third Publications, P.O. Box 180, Mystic, CT 06355. Phone: 800-321-0411.

Click here to read a Reflection on this Article by Rev. Dick Poole.