Little Pieces of Light, Darkness and Spiritual Growth

One evening a group of us gathered for a Pipe Ceremony to bring to a close a course on Native American spirituality. Our leader explained that the room needed to be in total darkness. We set about taping black bags over the windows and the door frame. Not one crack was to be left uncovered. When everything was taped, we sat down in our circle and our leader turned off the lights. We were met with an instant flood of blackness. I felt as if I had fallen into a dark hole. Then, I saw tiny pieces of light, wee sunbeams of a summer sun. These penetrated small holes around the windows which the tape had missed.

"Yes," I thought, this is what has always sustained me in the tough times. No matter how thick the darkness, the light has remained." This reality has convinced me that I can live through dark experiences and not be overcome. I gratefully recognized how darkness has become less of an enemy for me. Light is a welcomed part of my life, but I am developing a greater understanding of how much I need to befriend my inner darkness.

Darkness is a natural part of life but I have fought that reality. Darkness seemed like an intruder into my light-filled life. I had a notion that if I did the right things my life would always be full of light. I wouldn't have anguishing times. Consequently, when the dark moments did come, I felt that I had failed because I had not figured out how to keep darkness out of my life. It has taken me a long time to recognize that darkness is an essential element for personal growth. Without it I cannot become the person I am meant to be. We need light for our journey but we also need darkness. Perhaps only those who have suffered and struggled can understand and accept the truth of this paradoxical process of transformation.

I have written about darkness hoping you will find courage and hope, comfort and guidance, whether you are in your own valley of darkness or are journeying with another. May the reality of darkness as an essential element of growth sustain you. May the power of the little pieces of light which pierce the darkness give you reason to go on.

1. The Land of Darkness

Darkness comes in many forms and is not an easy visitor. Our life experiences when "dimness and disorder hold sway" (Job 10:22) are many and varied. Webster's definition for darkness includes: "closed, hidden, obscure, hopeless," but the human experience includes: lonely, shattered, dead, anxious, forlorn, bereft, despairing, discouraged, numbed, grief-laden, empty, fearful, traumatized, stumbling, aimless.

One of the most common labels which is given to darkness is "depression." For some, this is a life-long valley of despair. For others, it is sporadic greyness, and for others it consists of moods with emotions such as anger, self-pity, guilt. Whatever form depression takes, it reeks with loss of self-esteem and deceptive mind-messages about who we are.

Sometimes darkness develops when we face an un-known. It may come as we search for missing pieces of truth about the past. Illness can have its share of unknowns. Questions about the future can contribute to darkness, as can those events which shatter hopes, or deprive us of anyone or anything which we hold dear.

Sometimes the land of darkness is a spiritual waste-land, commonly referred to as the "dark night of the soul." It can be terrifying because it seems one has lost the last link with hope: a relationship with God.

The violence and destruction happening in the world can also bring darkness. The recollection of collective evil can fall like a black cloud on the person who cares about what happens in this world. When anyone accompanies another's path of pain with compassion, there's bound to be a taste of darkness.

2. The Gift of Darkness

In spite of all the pain that darkness brings, these periods of sparse light can be gifts for our growth. This is life's way of inviting us to grow. Whether or not the darkness is a gift for us depends upon our attitude toward it and how we respond.

We need darkness for our spiritual and psychological health but this is a painful truth to accept. It's extremely difficult to believe this when we are feeling depressed.

There is no way we can avoid inner darkness completely. If we did so, we would be tossing out a vital part of our transformation. Rather than getting rid of darkness, we need to search for ways that we can befriend it. Does this mean we should wallow in depression, accept addictive situations, give in to apathy? No, of course not, but, in the midst of this darkness, which we must bear until the situation can change is the fertilizer of our growth.

The difficult thing about darkness as an essential part of life is that we can know it intellectually but run from it emotionally. All we care about is getting rid of the darkness, of feeling good again. When darkness descends on us, we spend energy doing battle with it rather than befriending it and seeing what gift it might be to us.

Any kind of darkness can call us, push us, nudge us, and urge us onto the path of inner growth. Darkness can wake us up, stir questions we'd rather not face: How do the patterns of my behavior influence my life? Whom or what have I taken for granted? Am I attentive to the deepest longings of my soul? What do I really want to do with my life? How will I make choices for the future?

Out of these deep questions of darkness, we can be led to clearer awareness regarding our strengths and weaknesses. They can give us a new vision, help us to discover greater inner freedom to be who we are meant to be. They can gift us with a willingness to live with insecurity and to find deeper joy in the things we so easily assume will always be there for us.

Even though we befriend darkness, we must not give in to it. This is one of the major paradoxes of personal growth. We cannot give all of our time and concern to the darkness even though it wants to take up all our space. We must hold our ground, not let this visitor push us around. This takes extreme effort because we feel the power which darkness can exert. So we go to others--spiritual directors, friends, wise persons--who can help us with this delicate balance. This is never easy to achieve and with each darkness we have to learn the process all over again.

As we walk with darkness in our hearts, there are two truths which must be consistently held close to our hearts. The first is that darkness can be an opportunity for growth. Secondly, a day will come when the darkness will dissipate and the light will take over again.

3. Light in the Darkness

The emotions associated with darkness are the ones we often experience in times of grief because in darkness we tend to feel as though we've lost a part of ourselves. Maybe this part had to die so another part could be uncovered. Maybe a part of us is waiting to be discovered, crying, "Listen to me!" but we refuse to hear this because we are absorbed in our own darkness.

What can we do about our fear of darkness? We need to accept it as a natural response. We need to remember that most fears are not realized. We need to face our fears in our dark times. They take energy from us when they are denied. We need to look at our fear whether it is named loneliness, illness, failure, loss of faith, or any thing that terrorizes us. We may shudder and shake when we meet it, but it does not have to conquer. The more we believe that, the less power it has.

We also need to discipline our mind so we can dwell on other things. If I say my fear out loud it gets smaller and I get stronger. I need to "lighten up" when I'm in darkness. How easy it is to toss a sense of humor aside when life is bleak, but this is when I need to laugh.

The darkness will lessen. I must believe this. But I must accept that this event will affect my life. It may seem to be only a negative change but there will be surprising developments if I am willing to receive them.

4. God in the Darkness

As I face my fear I do need a "hall light on." I need assurance that there's a way out of the mess, and that someone's there who will offer support. Sometimes that is another person who never gave up on me. Sometimes my only "hall light" has been God. God gives two messages to those in darkness: "Do not fear" and "I am with you." I find great comfort in these assurances.

An unyielding wall of separation from God develops when our darkness is deep and persistent. It is challenging to believe that this can be a part of our growth. Yet there are ways in which these dark moments teach us and guide us to new vision. We must keep searching because that is where we learn about our relationship with God. We need to consider whom we perceive God to be. What we believe about God has a greater effect on our life when we are going through a dark time. Perhaps we need to consider the dark God of the womb as well as the God of light. Maybe we need to move beyond the God who judges us to the God who loves us. Our beliefs about God are as difficult to let go of as anything in our lives.

The darkness may provide an opportunity to look at weaknesses which we have avoided. Recognition of our sinfulness can bring us to greater depth about our dependence on the power of God to transform us. Whenever I go through a time of darkness, I almost always feel called to let go of something and to accept being out of control. Sometimes it takes a defenseless posture of darkness to loose my grasp on my ideas or my secure way of living. Surrender to God is an essential part of growth and sometimes it demands letting go of what is held most closely. Being able to let go and let God take over one's life demands a tremendous amount of trust. It is in the hour of our greatest darkness that we discover that we are never alone. I find comfort in knowing that God is a steadfast, compassionate Presence who will never leave me. A psalmist who must have known darkness wrote, "In the shadow of your wings I take refuge until the destruction is past" (Ps 57:1). Taking shelter in the shadow of God's wings won't take away the darkness but it can ease the fear or the length or the intensity.

Knowing the truth of God's nearness does not keep us from the consequences of the spiritual journey. We still have to face the painful terms of transformation. There is no way to get out of the tough stuff of growth except through real "dying" in order for new life to come forth.

5. The Morning Will Come

How different the night is when the skies are clear and filled with a zillion stars than when the night is cloudy, dark, filled with an approaching storm. Our inner darkness is no different. When we glimpse the stars in our inner darkness we find strength and courage to go on. Accepting the darkness but longing for the light is an immense paradox of our soul's journey. There will always be a part of us that yearns for the light. We need to go on believing, especially when in the tomb of darkness, that there is a welcoming light waiting for us.

I never cease to be amazed at the surprising ways in which the light gradually comes and takes over the darkness. Even the smallest glimmer of light can be a strong call of hope to our hearts. A tiny candle can break the blackness of a room. The same is true for those many pieces of light which illuminate the dark room of our hearts. "Light" can have a variety of meanings for people. For me, it means the divine presence within me, the spark of my soul, the aura of energy within and around me, and the energy that connects the universe.

A good friend once said, "We are all little pieces of light for each other." I recalled many people who had been there at just the time I needed them. They were a tiny spark of light. Sometimes just the memory of another's light can support us. Remembering the light-filled people we have known helps us keep in mind how one person's inner light can make a difference.

The dissipation of our internal darkness is like the dawn of a new day. There is a hint of light, then the changing coloration of the clouds, and finally the fulness of the sunshine. But we need to look back at our previous experience. We need to see how our resurrection happened, what we have learned, how we have grown. We may find that this dead part of us has fled and we can freely come forth into the garden of life.

Click here to read a Relection on this Article by Lissa Romell and Dara Behzadi