With Love

It is with great sadness that I inform you of the death of Fr. Flavian on February 12, 1990. Our dear Flave died quietly and without suffering on that Monday morning in New York after an intense 10 week struggle with a brain tumor.

The Final Journey

In mid-November, Flavian was unusually tired. He (and we) thought he was coming down with one of the various strains of influenza that annually invade CTU each Fall. He couldn't seem to shake the chronic fatigue. He was also having some trouble concentrating on work, especially written material. He had experienced some problems with short-term memory for some time, and I detected a subtle worsening in that capacity. Characteristically, he carried on with his duties, but struggled privately with his own fear of diminishing abilities.

On December 2nd, he found himself unable to finish celebrating Mass for his Passionist brothers. It was the first public sign that something was amiss. During the next three days, Flave had increasing trouble finding the words he wanted to say. He visited his doctor, but came away with no firm conclusions. By the following Wednesday, we became alarmed at the change in him. He could speak no more than two or three words at a time and he looked "different", perhaps like a person who had had a slight stroke. He agreed to be hospitalized.

The terrible diagnosis was not long in coming. A tumor. A large tumor which, unfortunately, was inoperable. He was transferred to a large university complex here in Chicago where a "least invasive" biopsy could be performed. This period was most difficult for Flave because his condition at that time left him unable to communicate by word or hand, and caused confusion in thinking. However, he remained wonderfully oriented to people, which was not surprising, since he loved people so much. He always knew who was with him, always recognized visitors, and was, even then, concerned for our well-being.

Upon his release from the hospital he chose to go to the nursing home section of Passionist Monastery here in Chicago. He was happy there, regaining his ability to speak and write, and receiving the most tender care from the staff and his many friends and Passionists who visited. It was a time for him to absorb the prognosis and to reflect during the Christmas season. Responding to the mail flooding in from friends, he wrote: "Paradoxically, this was the best of Christmases. It was more than splitting envelopes - it was an overdue encounter with the people I love - a reminder of how much I am attached to you."

Flavian chose ultimately to return to his own province in the East, travelling to a small Passionist community in New Jersey (a place he loved very much) in mid-January. He had suffered a bout of pneumonia and pleurisy in the preceding weeks. Although somewhat weakened, he still sported that Irish grin -the fanciful Havanna stogey clenched tightly between his teeth - as I visited with him for the last time the night before he departed. He was in good fettle, joking with Fr. Kilian in the affectionate way only lifelong friends can do.

He was soon admitted to the hospital in New York with another bout of pneumonia and some new problems. At each turn, he authorized the doctors to take any measure possible to improve his condition and prolong his life. The fierce competitiveness evident throughout his life did not wane at the end. He wanted life. Quite unexpectedly, he slipped into a coma. The next morning, he died.

Grief has a way of reminding us how vulnerable we are. Death has a way of reminding us how short and precious our life on this earth is. It is a bittersweet time - an exercise in emotional discipline to work here in the office we once shared. I can hardly believe he's gone...I still expect him to come strolling in, styrofoam cup of coffee in hand, asking "What's up?" It has all been too fast, too devastatingly fast - two months passed with lightning speed and now he's gone. I have barely begun my grieving; I am not over the shock. But so many love him, myself included, and I will not forget.

His Love of Life

Flavian and I worked together for 2,000 days or more. Together, we planned programs and promoted causes, advocated issues and demonstrated solutions, conducted seminars and attended meetings, educated people and learned from them. We labored and played, stretched and grew, reached out to so many and were touched by them all.

He loved it all! He loved life and people and all things. His vibrancy could fill the room, his sparkling blue eyes and boyish face - that oh-so-Irish face could captivate any audience. He was an amazing person in the way he grasped life in all its facets. I have watched him put together a thousand details for an international congress of great social importance and also watched him reduce a 2 pound lobster to a pile a unrecognizable debris with equal gusto and energy.

In many ways, coming to Chicago in 1981 was a hard thing for Flave to do. He was uncertain of his ability to fit into such an academic atmosphere and he had not lived in a large Passionist Community for many years. He had attained the heights of leadership within his religious order in the U.S. and was facing the last part of his life. But at an age when most are relishing retirement, he consciously put himself to a challenge. He believed in the work of Stauros so strongly that he eschewed even semi-retirement, determining to take a fledgling concept and transform it into an organization with substance and merit. He made a major change in his life by deciding to head a relatively small office housed within a large and prestigious institution.

He overcame his fear with grace, charm and good humor. He came to love the students - their enthusiasm, intensity and activity. And in his distinctive and radical way, he engaged many faculty members in lively lunchtime discussions on subjects ranging from theology to social issues, or to religious life today, or to an article which appeared that morning in the New York Times. He embraced life in this community vigorously - sharing such chores as grocery shopping and cooking during the summer when food service was unavailable.

As evidence of his humility, I recall the summer day when he had first volunteered to do the food shopping. He quizzed me for 15 minutes on supermarket etiquette, how to unit-price, and where to find a cart once he got in the store. He was gone for a full three hours. I was becoming concerned when he reappeared in the office, looking somewhat disheveled. Upon questioning, he admitted that he had not, in fact, remembered to have the produce weighed before getting in the check-out line and that he had to give a lot of food back because he didn't have enough money with him. At the end, he mumbled something about having new-found admiration for the mothers of America and proceeded upstairs to cook supper. He became particularly proud of a seafood gumbo dish which he concocted. While delicious, it never tasted quite the same each time he prepared it... and the Passionist kitchen looked like a tornado hit it when Flave cooked, but it was a distinct pleasure for me to be invited to dinner at those times.

Flave remarked many times that he felt being here was keeping him young. He was a familiar sight in the early morning here at the school - doing his warm-up stretches out on the sidewalk - often in outlandish jogging outfits. Flave's sense of color coordination had not progressed substantially beyond post-Vatican freedom from the habit. He loved the lakefront and his daily run. Often, our work day would start with him recounting the precise color of the lake that morning, the wave action or calmness, how the sky and sun looked as the new day began. One of his favorite runs was adjacent to a bird sanctuary. With a sense of delight that is usually reserved for small children, he plunged into a new hobby. Bird book in hand, he added sightings and identifications to his morning routine.

Being With

A major aspect of his life with Stauros was his focus on disabled people and their issues. Many times, he wrote of these issues and of the need for social justice. But he always down-played his own role in our struggles for equality. He grew as close to us as any non-disabled person can be.

Claude Marie Barbour, on the faculty at CTU, instructs her cross-cultural students: "When you go to meet a group of people or into a different culture, take your shoes off, for you are on sacred ground. God has been there before you." Flave took his shoes off in the disabled community. How many of us can truly say 'that we walk into the world of another without fear or prejudice? He brought genuine healing into the lives of disabled people he knew and whose lives he touched. He came to understand that physical healing was not what was desired by us, but spiritual and emotional healing - acceptance, respect, opportunity. I saw him reach out in the most human way to our disabled friends. I witnessed them responding with joy and elation - quiet, private elation - that this man, this stranger among us, this man of God so willingly let himself be led into our world. To BE WITH was important for Flave. He lived by it -and more importantly he lived it. He went out to the streets with us, sometimes in his collar and sometimes - pointedly - not. He wanted to be a presence with us and other times he wanted to be a witness to what we suffer. He saw the hurts, the wrongs, and comforted us. He took time with each of us to talk, to listen, and just to "be with".

We in the disabled community have lost a witness, an advocate, a voice, a friend. Although we will miss him dearly, we are aware of the irony of the disabilities he personally encountered at the end of his life. Our dear Flave became truly one with us. He was acutely aware of this fact, as he quoted Damien to me on New Year's Day, 1990: "We lepers..." His eyes filling with tears and looking directly at me, he asked "Do you remember the story of Damien?" Eyes brimming, I nodded in the affirmative. "I have finally joined your ranks." It was no more than a whisper. The final affirmation came: "Not bad company to be in..."

The Future

The Stauros Office will remain at Catholic Theological Union. Donald Senior, C.P., a longtime friend of Stauros and President of CTU, has pledged the full support of the school and we are most grateful.

I have been asked by the Stauros Board to function as Acting Director of the U.S. office and I am happy to do so. While Flavian's unique signature on this work will fade in time, the spirit will always remain because of him. We will continue the work he began and pray that we will not forget the many lessons he taught us so lovingly.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have written letters, sent cards, offered Masses for both Flave and the Stauros staff. Our heartfelt thanks, also, for your prayers. Your support has helped us immeasurably during this ordeal. Beverly Wright, my associate here at Stauros, is a wonderfully warm and loving person. She has been a tremendous support during this tough time, while suffering her own grief. I will forever be in her debt.

It has been said "A man is measured not by how much he loves, but by how much he is loved by others." For these past weeks, Beverly and I have wept over your cards and letters, which numbered in the hundreds. They are so beautiful, eloquent, and genuine in their expressions of love for this special man. We were able to read many of them to Flave while he was here and I know they added to his serenity. We thank all of you for a most rare privilege: to be the conduit for such an outpouring of love.

Flavian's next of kin are a sister, Margaret Nowack, 2516 Eberly, Hatboro, Pennsylvania 19040 and a brother, Harry Dougherty, 1007 Somerdale Road, Voorhees, New Jersey 08043.

There is a void in Stauros and in our lives right now. It will take a long time before we stop missing him so much. There is happiness, too, for Flave is available and accessible to all of us. He is there for us always - easy to talk to, and with us wherever we go. No distance separates us now. And that is a cause for joy.

With love and gratitude,

Judy Benson

A Flavian Dougherty Memorial Fund has been established at Stauros. The monies received will be used to continue the work begun by Flave, such as the Israel Bible Study Program for persons with disabilities, publication of the Notebook, and other Stauros activities