Friends

The recent bestseller 'Habits of the Heart', a researched account of the present mores in our country, gives a sorry picture of how friendship is perceived in our American culture today. In a section entitled ‘The Therapeutic Quest for Community', the authors state: "self interested individuals join together to maximize individual good. Dale Carnegie's advice on ‘how to win friends and influence people' is an earlier 20th century example of this utilitarian conception of community... Carnegie unabashedly urged his students to 'say to yourself, over and over, my popularity, my success, and my income depend to no small extent on my skill in dealing with people'. For Carnegie, friendship was an occupational tool for entrepreneurs, an instrument of the will in an inherently competitive society... Therapists today propose a different sort of friendship. It offers self-fulfillment and a sense of self worth to basically benign people... Friendship is positively related to good emotional adjustment... In both the earlier and the more remote recent versions, friendship is commended on the grounds of utility.. .Psychic benefits have replaced economic ones. The good things of life, those objects that make up the good life are still important, but they now take second place to the subjective states of well-being that make up a sense of self-worth.. ..Therapeutic, educational, and social service organizations for individuals come readily to mind in such thinking about community, in which it appears as an avenue of opportunity, a marketplace for exchange, or meeting place for individuals on their own. "Therapists.. advise clients looking for friends, a lover, or a spouse, to use community groups as hunting grounds for such significant others. 'You need to get to know people.. well-connected persons live longer, healthier lives." (1)

The researchers and authors of 'Habits of the Heart' ask the question: "Are friends that one makes in order to improve one's health friends enough to improve one's health?"

What occasions this reflection on friendship is the recent deaths of two beloved members of our Congregation of the Passion (C.P.) These were extraordinary, life long exemplars of an unadulterated, gracious, all-embracing human friendship, untainted by any selfish motive. Their names: James Patrick White, C.P. and Silvan Brennan, C.P. - both born in 1908, and died just one month apart early this year.

The pitfalls of Utilitarian Friendship are not unknown to members of the clergy, and religious communities, as well as other walks of life. As for these two people, as far as we know, they never wrote or philosophized on the ideals of genuine friendship, and they certainly never even thought of it as a tool for their own gain. They were unparalleled in their practice of it in a way that even the sociologists, philosophers, theologians and the rest of us are hard-pressed to describe.

To look at either of them, one would know at a glance that they were not graduates of a Dale Carnegie Course. In their hey-day they both were 'ample' in their physical dimensions - tipping the scales well over the 200 mark, the weight unevenly distributed. No 'off the rack' suit of clothes they wore was designed for their figures. But the genial, round faces, the smiling, inviting eyes, the outstretched chubby hands grabbing you so amiably made one a lasting captive. Within moments they had recorded your features and names in their remarkable computer-like memory banks.

Friendship was no tool, no utilitarian game with them, nor was it a need for a sense of self-worth, much less an opportunity to have 'well-connected persons'. They were, in fact, extremely well connected with persons of ever race, color, trade, profession, economic status, and state in life, but these accidentals meant nothing to them. People -all people!- were not abstractions and certainly were not judged by adjectives. In their eyes, all whom they met were unique individual beings - persons who can love and be loved. Humans created in the image and likeness of God.

As a young man, fresh out of high school, James White and Silvan Brennan entered their college training with the U.S. Eastern Province of the Passionist Religious Community. When it came time for James to take vows, the official entrance into the Community, he was rejected because of a disability - osteomylitis. At that time, Catholic Church law forbade anyone with a disability to enter a religious community, much less be ordained a priest.

Other religious communities recruited him, but his heart was steadfastly fastened on the Passionists. Advised by a friend to try to enter the Chicago Province of the community, he applied, and to his surprise and great relief, was accepted. Sixty years later, at his funeral, the comment was made: "The Western Province, being so lax, accepted him, to its immortal credit and to the Eastern Province's eternal shame and loss".

When he finished his studies and was ordained, he was appointed as Director of the Minor Seminary where young aspirants to being Passionist Priests were trained. So admirable was his companionship and leadership in that appointment that thereafter, throughout his more than 50 years as a priest, he was elected or appointed to every 'Position of Authority' - an egregious misnomer in reference to him. No one was less concerned with position or authority; no one more the servant of others.

Fr. Paul Boyle, C.P., General Superior of the Passionists for the past ten years, a life-long friend of J.P., said at his funeral: "Jim didn't speak any language but English, but had an amazing ability to communicate with people of other languages... So powerful was this ability to relate without language that at the Passionist General Chapter in Rome, with 100 members speaking a dozen different languages, he was known as "the great communicator".

A Brother to Everyone

As one who was often spoken of as a 'simple' man, with no Degrees in Theology, Organizational Behavior or World Affairs, J.P. matched any Professional in his keen intuitive sense of what had to be done. He served as the Western Province's highest Superior for many years and was responsible for monumental changes in the wake of World War II, the race riots, Vietnam, and Vatican II which ushered in a whole new period in church life and practices. Respecting others, he knew how to listen and to trust their expertise. With a keen sense of timing, he made many important decisions as society and church life changed. For example, at a time when Afro-Americans were excluded from most of the Religious Orders and Congregations, James admitted the first Afro-American into the Passionists in the U.S. Not long after World War II, he sent Passionists to Japan to found the Congregation there. He did the same in Korea. Today there are numerous native Passionists in both these countries. In the late 60's when changes were called for in seminary training and a group of Religious Congregations considered banding together in a joint seminary in the inner city of Chicago, he was among the first to authorize the project and immediately came forth with a substantial grant to finance it.

This period of history is characterized by endless Meetings, Conferences, Planning Sessions, etc. For many, these are torturous at worst, or, at best, a necessary obligation in our professions. James, having been in a church leadership role most of his lie, would engage in these meetings with rapt attention, hardly ever speaking, never taking notes, but absorbing what was being said and truly honoring the presenters. By a kind of osmosis he internalized the most important lessons to be learned. And he acted on them. If there was a serious disagreement with his peers or associates at these, James would buttonhole them one by one in private to explain his own position and to get more input from them. He respected everyone as being truthful and sincere.

Silvan Brennan, CP

As a student preparing for priesthood, Silvan evidenced the intelligence to become a Professor of Sacred Scripture. Accordingly, after his ordination, he was sent to Rome to do doctoral studies in Scripture. However, in the midst of his studies, became ill and had to return to the States. To help in his recuperation, he was stationed at the Passionist Monastery in Baltimore, and temporarily assigned as Chaplain at Bon Secours Hospital in Baltimore - at that time a small hospital where he would not be overtaxed, and have any medical assistance necessary. Recovered he did, but his apostolate there continued as the hospital, as all others after World War II, grew and grew, and Silvan stayed on and on for 34 years, growing apace with it, visiting each patient every day if possible, keeping in touch with their families, very often making follow up visits to patients in their homes. He never drove a car, but became one of the Public Transportation System's best customers, hopping trolleys and buses to all parts of the city and beyond to call on his ex-patients, families and friends. His parish became all of Baltimore and beyond.

Together with this dedication in befriending and serving others, Silvan never lost his studiousness. As mentioned earlier, he was highly gifted intellectually, exceedingly well-read, had a secure grasp of theological subjects and current affairs. His room and desk were so piled with books, magazines and papers that he had precious little space to write.

Adding to his ebullient personality was a remarkable memory bank of entertaining stories and jokes, delivered in a 'down-home' style, with glistening eyes and hardy laugh. It was small wonder that he became the confidant of church and public figures, seeking his advice and joyful companionship. Civic Organizations sought and welcomed his presence at their functions. Not least of all, was his presence each year in the front line of the St. Patrick's Day parade in Baltimore. In all of this he was the most humble, unassuming, unpretentious friend.

In his late 70's Silvan was asked to move from his beloved Baltimore to help out in the Passionists' Retreat House in Jamaica, N.Y. Most willingly, he moved to join a staff of other young Passionists hardly half his age. In no time, he blended in, typically unobtrusively as friend, raconteur, and companion to his fellow religious and the retreatants. To witness the grief and esteem of these younger associates at his funeral was a testimony to the profound impact he had on them. The same was the case with his nephews, nieces, grand-nephews and grand-nieces, one of whom sat with me sobbing, and saying: "how will we do without him?".

Both of Them

These sketchy reminiscences of these two remarkable persons highlights the fact that they never made conditions about their friendship, never expected others to think or feel the way they did; never judged others as repudiating them or their ideals, but always there to understand and to bring healing in their own lives and those of their families and associates.

Their Joy in People

Those of us who have lived for extended periods with either of these can vouch for these qualities in both. Whether by genes, family influence or special graces, they saw in every person encountered, of whatever nationality, creed or color, a 'someone' of beauty and worth. People sensed by their presence and manner, that they were truly esteemed. And they responded to those inviting eyes, and holy inquisitiveness about them - strangers, visitors, elderly, teenagers, foreigners. There was nothing of affectation in their reaching out, nothing akin to a political candidate out stumping.

A key to their characters is that they truly cherished and savored people - all people, not as selective as most of us are. There were few, if any, mental or emotional blocks in them. They could sit through long hours listening to a child, a teenager, a stranger on a bus, reverencing what they had to say. And always without a trace of paternalism or clericalism.

Timelessness

A characteristic which haunts so many of us is our preoccupation with time - are dominated by a kind of slavery of the clock. Family, friends, associates, and important human events, are so often missed. We draw up our schedules, calculate what we must get done in a specific time-frame, get anxious when someone interrupts our plans, hide from any intrusion, and, when not successful, get into a state of anxiety, even angry with the person who breaks into our calculated schedules.

J.P. and Silvan were so indifferent to the clock. There was a sense of static time with them, taking every day and every minute as it came along, spontaneously practicing what spiritual writers and therapists advise: "live the present moment." With them, the presence of another person meant that time stood still. Time was their servant, not their master. They were totally free.

Fittingly, Fr. Paul Boyle, C.P., in his homily at the funeral of J.P. recalled Eugene O1Neill's Play about the life of Lazarus after Jesus had called him forth from the tomb. O'Neill entitled his play 'Lazarus Laughed', for Lazarus had experienced death and seen it for what it was. Throughout the play Lazarus had one constant refrain, an invitation to everyone he met: "Laugh with me! Death is dead! Fear no more! There is only life! There is only laughter!"

References

1. Habits of the Heart, Bellah et al., Harper & Row, N.Y. 1985.