Throw-away Kids

Throw-away children -Orphans of the Living- or just plain 'Rejects'! Those phrases describe most of the youth who are being placed in Residential settings. Youngsters who do not feel good about themselves because nobody has cared enough to tell them "you are great" are like sponges ready to soak up every bit of love they can muster. Yet these same kids cannot trust. Why should they? Nobody has given them a reason to trust. They have been used and yes, 'thrown away'.

There is the young teenager whose mother died of cancer three years ago, whose father is dying now and whose stepmother cannot stand her....There is the child who has a permanent tracheotomy because at 18 months of age the mother's boy friend told her to drink liquid from a soda bottle - the liquid was lye!....There is the young man who was rejected by his parents, sexually abused by foster parents and given away by prospective adoptive parents.

How do you fill the void? Can anyone besides those who brought you into the world ever bring complete fulfillment into those who suffer from physical, emotional or mental abuse?!

These and many others are the questions facing those who care for children living away from their families.

Added to the above are the overburdened children who, as a result of separation or divorce, take on their own upbringing - which taxes them beyond their capabilities. They may also have to fulfill the regressed need of one or both troubled parents. And there are those children who are targets of continued dispute and litigation between their parents.

Children in care are troubled and very few share a true, genuine sense of assurance that their parents will be there when the need arises. Deep down most of the youngsters' gut reaction is rejection or abandonment. They manifest a false sense of security because this is their only weapon of defense against the real world. After all, it is very frightening when parents remove themselves from a child. How heartbreaking it is when a child buys a very sincere Birthday, Mother's or Father's Day card and then asks: "where do I send it?"

Children who live in an environment other than the traditional family home are affected in many ways. Some of them suffer feelings of guilt; some low self-image; some loneliness; others a lack of trust; and some suffer all of the above.

Is it any wonder that the end result of so many burdens placed upon one so young is suicide? Because of the factors mentioned above a "throw- away" child is incapable of seeing suffering as a means to strengthen and internalize positives. The young person is so bereft and overburdened that the capability of using it as a challenge or seeing suffering as a gift is totally lacking.

Many of these "Throw Away" away youngsters turn to alcohol and drugs; many run away and turn to prostitution; many are involved in teenage pregnancies. Some of these young people feel that since they have been rejected they will have their own baby whom they can love and on whom they can shower affection -maybe subconsciously trying to suppress the idea that they have been rejected.

Every day a child-care worker, counselor, house-parent, or whoever deals with the child in placement outside the family, witnesses signs of intense suffering. One of the biggest factors that causes anguish in the child who is placed is seeing other children still living at home while these 'orphans of the living' are placed with strangers.

Perhaps a short story will help one experience vicariously the pain of a child rejected by his or her family.

"Dusk was just, beginning and the road leading up the mountain side was a winding one. In about an hour Michael would be propped up by his favorite tree which overlooked the valley. This scene always brought relief and peace to him. He hoped this would happen to him today. Michael's small frame shook as he trudged along the road. 'How could this be happening to me? When did it all begin? Why does she dislike me so?' Every time Michael came to this secret spot, these questions came to mind.

"Michael was small for his fourteen years. He brushed his unkempt blonde hair from his sweating forehead and heaved a heavy sigh. He tried to think back to the afternoon scene. He had come home late from school where he had been receiving' some extra help from his math teacher. This particular day meant much to him because he had finally caught on to the math problem solving and felt that for once his mother would think differently but well of him. He' would finally feel good if she would smile and hug him. After all, he was worth some praise. He was not intentionally bad as she often accused him."

"His mother was not at home. She never was home when he arrived and she was later today. He would surprise her by having supper ready when she did arrive. But, unfortunately, while Michael was placing the casserole dish into the oven his hands slipped and the casserole went flying into the oven. 'What a mess!' screamed Michael, as he sat down beside the tree. 'I just didn't know what to do or where to turn. There was no way I could prepare anything else. I was too scared to think clearly so I just sat down and cried. Couldn't she have understood instead of screaming at me and telling me to get lost and then to repeat her favorite line 'you never seem to do anything right. Just get out of my sight and don't come back.'"

This is just one example of a child suffering not one rejection but repeated rejections. A typical child in such a situation is apt to try very hard to please, but after a series of rejections will find a place to isolate oneself. Michael found his place of refuge; not many youngsters can do this. Repeated rejections cause stress, anxiety, fear and finally drastic consequences such as running away from home and exposing self to many dangers.

A parent who neglects to provide the needs of a child can expect many problems because such neglect is rejection. Rejection is a refusal to recognize the needs of a child. When these needs are unmet or unrecognized the child suffers.

A child to be healthy needs love, a listening ear, understanding, supportive-ness and space to develop creativity, assertiveness, decisiveness and independence along with dependence. The children without space to develop will suffer rejection and will be unable to relate to their parents. They cannot grow physically, emotionally or spiritually without nurturing from their parents, family members, friends, teachers, or any persons who have to be close to them. When there is no sincere love within a family unit, there is a real sense of rejection and the rejected child suffers to a point where many harmful things could happen. Where do some rejected children turn? Some will turn to persons who will accept them for what they are and in some cases will be helped and become productive citizens. Others will fall into unpleasant traps as mentioned above, such as prostitution, unwanted pregnancies, crime, etc.

A child suffers untold agony when dealt with in a continuous negative approach. Children need assurance that they are able to do all that is expected of them in order to develop and be prepared to assume their role in society. No one can survive in a negative atmosphere nor where one feels rejected.

Some rejected children tend to be slow learners, trouble makers in the home as well as in school, and to have difficulty in forming friendships. They are fighting for a sense of self-worth but are going about it inappropriately. Children cope with rejection in various ways because they have to survive.

"Michael's heart began to pulsate in quick but steady beats. He knew he could not remain stretched out under this tree for too long a time. He thought out loud: 'I wonder if Mother is worried about me? She did tell me this time to 'get lost', but did she really mean it? Would my Dad come looking for me if he were alive? The only choice I have now is to run away or return home and hope Mother has calmed down and will be nice to me."

Eventually, Michael - because his mother could not or would not accept her son - was placed outside the home in residential facility. In this home were caring, loving people, but before Michael could overcome his disability -rejection- he had a long road to travel.

Helping along That Long Road

Thousands upon thousands of young people do not have the benefits of a residential facility. One agency which is devoted specifically to "Throw Away" kids 'on the' streets' is Covenant House, founded by Franciscan Fr. Bruce Ritter, now located in several U.S. cities and in three other countries. Covenant House exists to serve young people who have nowhere else to turn. The branch in New York city is called "Under 21" - the name suggesting the one criterion for entrance. Anyone under 21 years of age can go there at any hour of any day to escape the streets. And for these kids, a place for "escape" is what is desperately needed.

Most young people who come there are real throw-aways. They are kids who, for whatever reason, usually have no Home (capital H). Most of the residents are from New York...many others from nearby New Jersey. These are kids, therefore, who would be close enough to return home if indeed it were a Home.

Examples: a fourteen year old boy, whose parents had died, and the only living relative he had, an uncle with whom he had been living, was now serving a prison sentence. He literally just went out on the streets because there was no more home....Other young people escape their homes because of abuse. The signs of abuse are constantly evident - any form of abuse can be found: arms and legs and faces often scarred by tell-tale signs of physical damage. Quite often, in a rambling conversation, a child reveals how much sexual abuse and incest infested their home environment. The most common sign is the poor sense of self worth and the almost non-existent ability to really trust anyone. Infrequent love and lack of appreciation seems to ride on the backs of these children.

The reasons which force kids out of their homes can become death-dealing twists of fate when they lead to the new environment of violence and abuse that is the reality of the streets. There is no place to go. No money. No food. No place to sleep except the overcrowded city shelters for men and women. One night in these places, though, according to some of the kids who tried it, makes the streets seem even better. So these young naive kids begin to hang out anywhere they can find some shelter: parks, abandoned buildings; the train station; the Bus Station. To put it mildly, these are not good places, and no one there is looking out for their welfare, but only those who are looking to use them. When the kids are at their most desperate point, after they have been noticed hanging around, the station for two or three days, they become easy targets. A con-artist, playing the Good Samaritan, offers to help, with food, a place to stay, a comfortable bed. The offer seems too good to pass up when you are young and starving for both food and love. Eventually, however, the kids are cajoled or threatened to start paying for the freebies in one way or another.

The person making the offer is usually either a pimp, a pornographer or a drug dealer. The area around the Times Square area of N.Y. is an industrial complex of human abuse. The entrepreneurs of the industry sell some human being to other human beings. The children, girls and boys, are used as prostitutes, as 'stars' in pornographic movies and magazines, or simply as drug pushers. Often the kids get caught up in drugs very quickly themselves. Once they are trapped in the cycle of violence and dependency that characterizes the sex industry, the children are unable to escape, for the most part, until they become useless or dead, and are thrown away again. At that point, any self-image a child may have had is all but lost. They have ceased feeling their own subjectivity because they have been used so long as objects.

At Covenant House, a young person will know that they are at least safe from the abuse of the streets or of their home environment. It is also a place where the residents are challenged to live up to their potential both on an interpersonal level as well as in their own talents and goals. Contrary to this abuse of defenseless young people, Covenant House provides an "intensive care" program of help which, beyond shelter, includes food, clothing, medical and psychiatric care, counseling for both job and housing placement, along with a large staff of child-care workers and volunteers who work with the residents on a very personal level.

Covenant House is not a Camelot, but it is a place and a spirit where for shining hours and days, there are no 'rejects', 'throw-aways', 'abandoned' or 'abused'. It is a Home where the kids are wanted, valued, esteemed, appreciated and loved.

The authors of this Notebook: Sr. M. Alvin Seubott, R.S.M., Administrator of St. Mary's Home in Savannah, Georgia and members of her staff authored the first section on Rejection; and Rev. Richard Morgan, C.P. of Catholic Theological Union, Chicago, Illinois authored the second section on Covenant House.